I had a bit of a revelation last night.
There is a lady on YouTube with a philosophy called "let them." If people aren't doing things how you might do them, let them. If people shove you out of their life or walk away, let them.
As I was waking up, I was hearing the song "Graverobber." I then realized I'd been trying to steal from the graves of those who had left me, but all I got was their empty tomb. I couldn't figure out why what had once fulfilled me and had been my go to experience, was now gone or just a broken aspects of me that I didn't know how to fix.
It took me two years to get used to a part-time job after being a workaholic and stress bomb for most of my life. The first two months of no job was like I lived in Zombieville because I just couldn't seem to manage having nothing at all to do. Most people dreamed of a time when they'd have unlimited time off. For me it was like a torture device I couldn't get disconnected from. I had asked God for a more fulfilling life. And I had hoped that meant working more with the church I had been attending. But it was as if God slapped my hands, convinced the ministry I didn't resonate with them enough and sent me home to my room. Not only was I not working with the church, I had been secretly shunned. "Exactly how was this more fulfilling," God, I called out.
I tried a new church but in ten months and four performances on their worship, I was once again shown the door. Kinda frustrating when all you want to do is serve. And two weeks after the second shunning, my father passed away. I felt like my whole world was caving in on me, one piece at a time.
I had given up my job as a graphic designer which I felt I was good at, to be the good daughter and take care of dad. Covid had hit our office hard and I couldn't see staying in such an environment and bringing that sickness back to dad. So, my job was gone, and two churches showed me how I just wasn't their sort. And this was after nearly thirty years of serving on worship teams and in choirs. I'd been in some sort of choir since sixth grade. And now God was showing me, this isn't your way to serve any more. Even with my current church and helping with the music, I don't feel like it is a calling as much as a responsibility God asked me to do for him.
Maybe singing had been my one way to get noticed in the world. But the only people who really cared were my parents. And when they departed, so did my want to sing as an act of service. I still do sing, but it is no longer such a strong focus in my life.
When I came back to Centralia in 2005, I did so because the 13 years working in St. Louis had showed me that I wasn't a big city girl. I was small town all the way. And I was ok with that. I had been unable to control my growing anxiety of living alone and being by myself all week. I did see my parents and attended church every weekend but that limited emotional support wasn't enough. Not only did I need an Everyday God but I needed an everyday family as well. My parents had become my emotional dampners and my anxiety wasn't as bad when I was in their sphere.
They had the ability to help calm me down. But in a way, I had grown up pretty emotionless. I never really learned how to grow friends or be a good friend, because like Rapunsel I had been locked away in my tower balcony bedroom. I was not allowed to go outside and play often like my siblings did. (Allergies and asthma) I focused more on my coloring books and watching the world beyond the sliding glass door of my room.
I never had a ton of hardships or growth because my world was focused on "do what your parents say." Now as an adult, I still feel like that ten year old kid hoping to be included in the game of life. Might someone pick me to be on their team? I feel more ignored even though my talents are definitely beyond good enough to be a team member. But in my tower bedroom, I had failed to learn how to fight for what I wanted. Because growing up, I had no other choice but to obey.
I kinda got off track a bit telling part of my story. But you can see the journey I've gone through taught me more how to hide and avoid than fight for my right to just have a good life that worked.
I realized that as things in my life kept falling away, and literally dying, that God was showing me something. "Where is the light in your life now?" He seemed to ask me. You need to let what has to leave die and find new growth in the things and areas where you see a light calling you. So like that lady on YouTube said, I had to "let them" die or leave so I might find my new life and new growth beyond their influence.
This reminds me of the parables of the sower and the pruning of the vines in the Bible. Scatter your seeds, your focus, and see where it thrives and where it can't due to thorns or paths or other obstacles. And where it grows, gravitate toward those things. And if something needs to die or God prunes it from your life, you will see new growth, but it may not look like it once did.
We had this tree out front of dad's house. And like other trees in our neighborhood, some of it was dying. So dad had a tree trimmer come and cut away the bad parts so the whole tree wouldn't die. For a number of years the tree only grew straight up, as if it was reaching for God's light. It didn't meander around like other branches did, but it was like it had its hands up, reaching for the sun saying "feed me more light."
I think that is what I needed to do, reach for the light in my seemingly dark life and let that help me grow and evolve into who I needed to be now. All the weirdness has definitely made me stronger. And also I have noticed where I thought I was so dumb or stupid in some areas (others liked to remind me of this fact) and couldn't find my way, I was actually doing a better job than I realized. I could see through my trying times that those others were not always the excellent thinkers or right move makers they claimed to be. Some were even as dumb as me.
And I realized it wasn't dumb to fear the unknown. When I found my way I could finally grab the reigns of my life with gusto and move forward.
Working at the Rec Center dealing with money and people, has helped me to find a new calm and peace in my life. I was very anxiety ridden when I started because I had just lost dad and then spent a week in the hospital with a foot injury and infection that tried to end me. I had ten weeks off of work homebound and alone. Thank goodness for my aunts and the home heath nurses changing my dressing on my foot for the wound vac or I might have really gone insane. Isn't it nice to see God prompting people to visit just when you need them?
I've felt like this journey has been like I was living in the darkness and God finally let me out of my tower room. Now I am just letting my eyes get adjusted to all the new light around me.
More to come.
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